I Fall Down Stairs

You know how in some cities, you out yourself as either a tourist or just a doink who is easily influenced because you wait for the little white man to show up on the streetlight for the crosswalk before you will cross? Even when there is no traffic and that telltale eagle sceam is heard in the distance and a tumbleweed rolls by? Whereas most locals and rebels and other people who are a lot more creative than you will just look both ways and cross regardless of the light?

I’m the doink who won’t cross against the light because I know damn well that eagle scream and tumbleweeds or not, the second I set foot on that thing without the official signal, I’ll wake up 6 months later to people asking me how I could have walked onto a NASCAR track during a race.

For example. I needed to go to the bookstore at lunch today and lucky me, there’s one in the mall right across the street. So I walked over there. Simple, right? To get there I had to walk by the Sooper Snooty Hotel which has grounds, because there’s nothing like plants at your mercy to show how much of a resort you are.* I could have cut across the grass to shorten my walk to the mall but workers were tending to various plants/grass/air and I didn’t want to be that jackass.

On the way back there was nobody around and I was all “Why are you such a puss? Why are you so beholden to rules? BE A UNIQUE AND SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE. You should totally cut across the grass.” And so I did. And the second I reached the sidewalk, I realized someone in a utility truck and wearing a hardhat was waving at me, and I thought he was saying “Thank you. Thanks lady.” And waving at me to be all “I saw what you did there and I’m not satisfied with verbally calling you out on it, so I’m going to wave at you and make you feel bad, you inconsiderate cooze.” I totally know this wave, because it is the same one people give me when I drive badly on accident and I’ve already given them the “I’m so sorry, totally my fault” face.

I tried to talk myself into being a badass about it. I told myself “If he continues to confront you, you should say ‘Yeah, I walked on your grass. So? There’s no sign saying ‘stay off the grass’.” Sorry about the mess of quotes in that sentence, by the way.

I could tell that the man was not going to go away quietly. I heard more things being said toward me, but I just kept encouraging my internal asshole. “Yeah, no sign sir. Good day.”

And then I heard him use my name. And then I heard him yell HIS name at me. And that’s when I realized it was the husband of a friend of ours, and he was just trying to say hello.

And that is why I’m not a unique snowflake and I will not cross the street until the light says I can go.

* Ok, this might need a little explaining, even for those who can normally sequitur my non-sequiturs. I have, in my lifetime, decided that companies with too much money like to plant plants and grass, and then tear it the hell out like, once every three months for what reason? I think it’s a show of superiority to the plants – in case they get ideas and try to go dying naturally or – heaven forbid – continue to grow and be healthy. Already have a staff of thousands carrying out your orders? Why not go after the plants. How dare you bloom without permission. I’m sure this is totally not the reason, but I’ve already hugged this one with my brain and so it stays.

  1. ungracefulme said: You consistently make me laugh.
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