February 2012
4 posts
Name a better way to end a day that started with...
Because there are only so many virginities that a girl can stand having taken away in a day.
@inthefade replied to your post
Hey, that dude was in Straylight Run. He Tweeted at me last week.
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I’m the worst fan ever. I should know all of the nuances of Nate and co. but I don’t, beyond The Format times. I think I was afraid of looking directly at it too hard, making it run back into its hidey hole. As far as...
3 tags
WHAT?
My favorite little indie band with the crappiest name for the google age ever has a song in a car commercial?
Fun.
That’s their band name. They were The Format, but they broke up the second I scooped up all of their albums. Then they came back as Fun.
I’m so sexcited for them. YAY! I know the song was done on Glee already and all but this will get so many more people following...
Mr. Zoom asked if I thought marriage was difficult. Since we were on the couch and I had a fully charged, functioning iPad in my lap, I said “No.”
One second later he farted, then turned to me and asked “How about now?”
January 2012
12 posts
I dvr’d a film off of the Turner Ancient Movie channel on Friday night because the description sounded like one of those rather cheesy films that I love to watch on a Saturday afternoon. Plus, this movie was released in 1981 and I reasoned that the hair alone would have to be worth a giggle. There just isn’t much in the horror/batshit genre that I haven’t already seen or at least...
How do you tell your neighbors that you came home tonight and were stared down by a giant raccoon on their roof? How do you explain that the furry juggernaut took one blink into your flashlight and then Jackie Channed into their chimney, or so you think.
They are nice enough people but they don’t speak a lot of English. We learned this when a storm took out a wooden fence between our...
whiteysplace replied to your post: All Y’All
When is it NOT a really strange time in your life?
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When I’m ….nope, that’s weird too. I’m a flyover state. I’m a weirdo. I’m the gonkers. It started when my mom made me wear those Hee Haw overalls to...
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All Y'All
If you’ve commented or sent me a message lately and I’ve been more silent than usual, it’s not that I’m trying to be aloof or rude. It’s work and life these days. I sometimes throw a post out and don’t get to come back in here for days. Sometimes when visiting I get through maybe three pages of dash, which means I miss a shit-ton of your good stuff.
I wish it...
My mom had just spent two hours and ten minutes driving us to our breakfast. People who aren’t my mom would have made this drive in one and a half hours or less. I knew she wanted to drive so I was prepared in advance for her immutable parade pace on the freeways. I was focused on the plate of French toast I had earned and was going to levitate into my face with all of the enthusiasm of a...
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Team Louis
Someone offered to show me an office that was painted last night. “Want to see it?”
This isn’t a euphemism. This is literal. I work in a cubicle. I will never work in an office. There is no reason that I would want to look at an office, unless it had monitors running videos of baby pygmy goats doing that hopping wiggling thing they do that is so fucking cute. No other reason.
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My favorite thing about the internet is that we have to type [for the most part] what we want to say. I seek out comment sections just so I can read things from people like this:
“This shirs starting to scare me.”
It took me a few rounds to figure out this person was trying to say ‘sure is.’ Its like a game of hidden objects. You have to find the words or phrases that...
December 2011
21 posts
Christmas Eve dinner at my mom and dad’s house was about to get legendary. My brother and his new wife were there, with her parents, and Mr. Zoom and his mom were there too. When the conversation turned to politics my brother left the table for a minute.
He came back and put a box in front of my mom, and a box in front of his wife’s mom. “This isn’t a huge Christmas gift,...
@terrybain
Yup. Nice recognition skills. I’m here waiting out Mr. Zoom’s tolerance for last minute existence.
I’m trying to wrap a gift for someone at work. I get into a situation where strands of my hair, dust bunnies and a paper clip are stuck to all of the tape I’ve just tried to use.
Me, to the back of husband’s head: “Ugh. I think this tape is hosed. It must have gotten cooked during a heat wave, because all of the stick is all over the place.”
Husband, without even...
“HAVE YOU TRIED PICKLEDONGS4?” I heard myself screaming into the phone.
I knew that wasn’t the password, but by this time it was beyond salvaging the situation. 10 minutes prior I had picked up a phone call from my mom on her cell phone. Mom’s cell phone may as well be a drive-thru speaker box for all the understandability that comes in and out of it. Combine that with...
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We carpool since we work in the same office. When we come home from work, Mr. Zoom has a ritual he has to perform before he will go into the house. Normally I bring my own keys so he can go flip the mailbox door some magic number of times and I’m already face down in a bag of chips by the time he comes through the door.
Tonight I didn’t have my keys. Tonight it was cold outside and I...
Have you ever seen anything more ridiculous than a husband trying to comfort his hysterical wife because she lost an S.O.S. cleaning biscuit in the toilet - as in all the way down the bad pipe of the toilet - because she’s been using those things for years and they float and she’s never ever clogged a toilet with an S.O.S. pad before and she feels really really stupid?
Me either.
...
"I'm the son of God, who the fuck are you?"
I watched a bunch of movies today.
Mr. Zoom and I did a lot of running around this past week. In one particular sequence we went to the ATM and then faced with a late hour and exhausted bodies, we shot through a drive-thru for an unhealthy dinner. Upon his checking the bag before we drove away, I heard the most defeated sigh I’ve ever heard come out of Mr. Zoom. I figured they had...
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Why I'll Never Rule The World. Or Even The Park...
We SoCalians woke up to a morning that was so cold that our SoCal eyeballs could not read the temperature on the digital thermostat. Nor would our ears understand the words on the morning T.V. show weather report. Mr. Zoom had to Mythbusters me out of the bed. I shower first.
Shower warm Shower good. Our shower door allows one inside to see shapes walking by. Shapes that one can only hope are...
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There was only one place for us to sit. Right next to a table with two men. The older man teetering on old status was wearing a fedora, a hounds tooth jacket and a carefully lain red scarf around his neck. The other one was your default 40 year old guy in a long sleeve button up shirt, jeans and a pair of Chucks.
My lunch companion was a stunning woman who draws attention everywhere she goes. I...
November 2011
15 posts
One of our attorneys left her iPhone in the ladies’ loo last night. She did not get it back today, and I suspect she never will. I demand an offiicial study on how many phones are left in bathrooms. Broken down by years, months, gender, and whaterver else will make a chart or something I can feel like I contributed to for when I eventually lose my phone in the bathroom of some establishment...
I have never shopped on Black Friday. Mall or otherwise. There are a few reasons for this and none of them are admirable. The main one is that I am incapable of functioning in a group of people trying to occupy the exact same spot at the exact same time, much less when any of them are the slightest bit competitive or viewing me as a potential roadblock to something they want. I can’t even...
There’s a woman at my office undergoing chemotherapy. This is her second round of cancer and treatment - and she has told me that she wants nothing more than for us to treat her as if she doesn’t have cancer.
Which we do. Some of us to a fault.
One woman in the office took our cancer patient to lunch. I didn’t attend but when they returned I could tell that something was...
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"That's the church to my wife's vampire."
- Mr. Zoom after hearing the words ‘cooking store’ come out of the T.V.
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I’ve known for about 10 years that I would get hives from walnuts. It was always uncomfortable but nothing more. Itch, annoyance - hives on my arms. I’ve avoided them ever since and actually spread my screening process to all nuts. I don’t have a life threatening reaction to them but I really hate being itchy. I never had this as a kid through the end of my twenties.
Friday...
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Martha Marcy May Marlene and the Workaholics are...
I saw “Martha Marcy May Marlene” about a week ago. I needed all of this time to realize I liked the movie. I left the theater upon its conclusion wondering if I should go demand my money back.
I’ve heard and said myself a hundred times: isn’t there anything unique in movies anymore? Well, this is unique and I would argue, it is good. Thing is, it really does have to be...
Today I got a call at the office and it was my mom. She was hysterical. I was trying to get her to tell me what was wrong, but every time I asked she got louder and harder to understand. Finally, after about 30 seconds I realized she wasn’t crying, she was laughing.
I collected my heart off of the ceiling and settled in to wait for her to get it together enough to tell me whatever it was...