Every year after Halloween I am required to go to my parents’ house and pick up their leftover candy. Every year I look forward to this because it is the physical evidence I need to prove to my husband that while my mom is a nice, wonderful human being (the only part he sees) - she’s also a lot ridiculous (the part I’m all too familiar with.) There’s nothing better than an “I TOLD YOU SO” that you can pick up from your parents’ house every year, cart home and throw on the coffee table.
The picture above is their leftover candy. Yes, an entire doc box full of it. Only, what’s that? Why yes, my mom has meticulously meted out equal servings for each of the 100 zip loc sandwich baggies in the box. She does it every year.
She also tells me every visit that the neighborhood is full of “people on and dealing drugs.” Really mom? Mind explaining the lovingly weighed confections you are handing out in baggies? All you’re missing is a little apron emblem with the words “I know what you’re up to” silk screened on each one.
Also, if you were to ask my mom why I have a tumblr account when I clearly don’t have the time or ability to keep up with the people I follow, she would tell you it is because I didn’t listen when she told me for the 3,456,367,654,345th time:
1. “When you get here, make sure you pull all the way into the driveway. If you let your truck hang over the sidewalk, the police will give you a parking ticket. You might not think so, but that cop stalks our street. I’ve seen it.”
2. “Don’t park in the street on the first Monday of the month, that is street cleaning day. And then you will get an expensive ticket.” She told me this even though today is Tuesday.
3. “Watch out for Duchess.” When I asked who that was, she said it is the neighbor’s dog who loves everyone and will run up and knock you over if you don’t expect it. I know who Duchess is, but mom relies on me to participate in the show by saying my lines on time, every time.
4. “Don’t forget to order your dinner without cheese. It makes you sick.”
5. “Don’t leave the candy in your car tomorrow. Make sure you take it to the office tomorrow. If you don’t take it to the office tomorrow, some of it will melt. You might not think so, but some of that stuff will melt right up.”
6. “When you go to leave, make sure you check the street for children behind your truck. Children can end up behind your truck in an instant. AN INSTANT. Watch out for the children.”
Sometimes when my parents are out of town and I’m taking care of the house? I park my truck in the street and I also park it in the driveway so the bed hangs out over the sidewalk. And I dance, and laugh, and dance and laugh. Someday I’m going to make a video of it.
